God gives us only what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I'm a bad ass.I cannot tell you how much of a load of bullshit that sentiment is to me. Angela pointed out that everyone is a bad ass, and I completely agree. We think we couldn't handle "it" (it is a lot of painful crap that happens to people every day), but we people handle "it" every day. People who probably felt they couldn't the day before it happened to them.
I've written about this before, and I know that sometimes these sayings help people. They've pretty much always felt empty to me even when I wasn't on the receiving end. And since I'm feeling honest, I will admit that sentiments like this piss me off. I am no stronger than anyone else. I know the stories of so many people who have experienced loss, and I still wonder how they do it even though I know that they just do even when they don't want to. And to think that I'm some sort of special bad ass because my babies died and that they died because I am a bad ass who could handle it. Or maybe because I needed to experience this for some fucking REASON: Everything happens for a reason. Really? Does it? What is the reason that some people lose over and over? What is the reason that some are born with a winning hand and die in old age still holding those same or better cards?
I still have a charmed life. Still after losing Alaska and Auburn I know that I am incredibly blessed. I wouldn't trade places with someone who has it better. I just don't buy it that everything happens for a reason. Shit happens all the time. Tragic shit. Good shit. Crazy shit. What is the reason for me having more than I deserve? What is the reason for those who suffer poverty and abuse? What is the reason for natural disasters that wipe out entire communities? What is the reason children die of diseases? If there is an answer other than, "I don't know," or "Shit happens," I don't want to hear it.
I feel a little bit guilty writing this because I acknowledge that these sentiments do comfort some people. I mean no disrespect to those who find peace from those words. Even when a person says something to me like, "Everything happens for a reason," I understand that they say it with compassion and support, and I appreciate this immensely. I am still going to share my rant because it's where I am in this moment, and I write to share all of my journey.
So even though I'm clearly experiencing a heavy dose of the anger stage of grief, I find joy every day with my family and friends. When the boys and I stepped outside into the sunshine this morning, we were hit with raindrops. Elliott wasn't sure how the rain was falling when he was standing in the sun, so we decided that maybe Alaska and Auburn were sending us good morning kisses. He was convinced that this was true when the rain stopped just after we closed the car doors. I know that my magical thinking about raindrops being angel kisses on a cloudy day probably sounds like a load of bullshit coming from a person who just ranted about empty sentiments. Oh well. One moment at a time.