Friday, June 20, 2014

Should-Be: A Celebration

My t-shirt from my dear friend.
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June 20, 2014 was a day that I had been looking forward to--the last day of spring, and the day that our baby was due. After Alaska died, I continued to countdown the weeks of my should-be pregnancy; this probably sounds stupid (to some) because there is no possible way to fix this nightmare and denying reality doesn't change a damn thing.

Even this week I had waves of denial where the tiniest part of me was holding on to the hope that I would wake up in December 30, 2013 with my little bump, go to the doctor, hear my baby's heartbeat, and carry on with my life as the nervous but ultimately naive mom of three. Oh to have that innocence back. To be the one-in-a-bazillion statistic where you hear about the pregnant mom who gets pregnant with another baby a few months later and gets to carry both babies to term. But this isn't my dream world that ends with my family holding both of our babies--screaming, alive.

This is reality where we can wish and wish and wish and slowly move toward acceptance, and right when I think I have fully accepted this reality, I have to remind the inner dreamer that the nightmare is real. This isn't Harry Potter...I know, HP fans, that's the worst analogy I could think of because, well, Fred and Dumbledore and Tonks and Lupin and Snape and so many others. But Harry got to say goodbye and make a choice. We just have, "I'm sorry, but your baby died. I don't know why." No choice in which path to take. No villain to hate (unless you count nature). I think this lingering denial has kept me sane. If I was capable of fully accepting that two of the most important people in my world have died, I probably wouldn't be able to handle it.

And I'm still pissed off. Two of the most important people in my world are dead. Dust.

So even through the slow acceptance and the anger that has come on quite strong these last few weeks, I knew that today had to be about celebrating Alaska. Over the last several months I have connected with other moms who shared how they handled the due date milestone: The date that went from one of the most anticipated days of a parent's life to one of the most difficult and full of should-be's. After learning from the stories of what others have done, we decided to celebrate Alaska today with simple activities throughout the day and date night.

a giant painting for baby sissy 

An outfit to donate to a family in need. 

A gift from Great-grandma Eva Eileen

Pink bubbles for Alaska
For Alaska Love Elliott

Minnie Mouse from Asher