Tuesday, December 16, 2014

On Colors and Thestrals

#writeingrief Day 9


Color. Gray. Pink. Blue. Rainbow.

I have written about gray. Just gray. Ashes and ultrasound photos. 

Pink. The “girl color” that both of my sons love. Both boys wear pink shirts and have pink things (headphones, shoelaces). Since Alaska died, it seems that they both want more pink things. I don’t know if this has anything to do with losing their little sister. I know that we would have had more pink in our lives if Alaska had lived and that I like it when the boys choose pink even if it has nothing to do with our sweet girl.

The last day of my Before I was wearing a black and gray dress with a pink cardigan.

Blue. My eyes. The boys’ eyes. Alaska’s eyes? Would she have joined our blue-eyed club or would she have had her daddy’s eyes? Elliott has found many blue feathers since Alaska died, and we have had some nice moments where we saw blue jays flying around. I think of my babies with each blue jay encounter. Alaska’s birthstone for December is blue. I haven’t taken my blue earrings out since she died. I can’t do it. I can’t take them out. They’ve gotten snagged on my clothing a few times and yanked out of my earlobe, but each time I have panicked and found the earring. They are just cheap studs that were at the bottom of my makeup bag. I had taken my hoops out when I was in labor with Alaska. When I got home After, I found the earrings and put them in so my piercing didn’t close. And now I just can’t take them out. I thought maybe that I would take them out after our should-be rainbow baby Auburn was born. That didn’t turn out as we had planned, though. Blue.

Rainbow. Our little rainbow baby should almost be here. And there’s that stupid “should be” again. I know should be is a myth. Meet Should Be, my pet unicorn. Maybe I should slaughter the stupid fucker. I mean it’s not very useful to “should be” my way through life.

My pearly white unicorn is best buds with a thestral. I’ve been able to see thestrals for many years, but I have wondered whether a mom who carries her dead baby inside of her body would see thestrals. And if she happened upon the thestrals before she knew that her baby was dead, would she see the thestral then? And if she saw the thestral then, would she realize why she could suddenly see it? If a mom were riding a thestral at the moment her baby died, would the creature suddenly appear? I realize that the person is supposed to see and understand the death, but a mother’s body surely knows when her baby dies--the change from growing a life to holding death, delivering death.

So yeah...colors.