Tuesday, January 6, 2015

On Love for Self

#writeyourgrief Day 30

I would really, really like to skip this one. Love for self. Really? Do we HAVE to go here? Because I don’t wanna. I know that when I’m resisting something and really trying to fight it, I should probably make myself do it. But seriously. I don’t wanna. 

Because I love me, I am going to make myself go here. I am going to make myself dig into this damn love fest of a prompt right now. Scratch that. It’s a self-love fest. I am in full on snark mode right now. I’m being a shithead. I know that it’s essential to take care of myself. Love seems a bit extreme. Do we have to call it love? 

Yes. We’re calling it love. Get over yourself.

“Because I deserve to be loved.”I’m not sure I believe that. Does everyone deserve to be loved? Do I really NOT believe that? Of course I fucking believe that. Each person is someone’s son or daughter and deserves to be loved. Some people in this world haven’t experienced the parental love and care that I believe they deserve. 

So since I believe that everyone deserves to be loved then why don’t I believe that for myself? It’s pretty effed up to think that I’m somehow the one exception to that rule (I know I’m not that special). The mother of my children doesn't deserve to be loved? The wife of my husband? The daughter, sister, aunt, friend that I am doesn't deserve to be loved? 

Is it self-love selfish? Or could denying love for self be the selfish approach? I’m not sure I want to go there. Self-love is tough. 

Because I don’t wanna, I am going to try to write a blessing for myself. Because I’m being a shit and don’t wanna, I’m making myself do it. Right now. As soon as I stop stalling.

May you write when you need to (and when you don’t wanna).
May you drink your water.
May you drink coffee (but only one glass, maybe two).
May you find reasons to smile and then actually smile.
May you realize that you don’t have to smile.
May you answer the phone (or don’t).
May you know that it’s ok to have a smaller circle.
May you know that it’s ok to let go.
May you stop deciding what other people think about your grief.
May you do yoga.
May you breathe.
May you scream and swear.
May you cry.
May you speak what you need to say (in the moment it needs to be said).
May you hesitate when it’s right.
May you forgive yourself.
May you stomp your feet but do it anyway (or don’t because you know when to push yourself).
May you read a book because you find a story that just won’t stop.
May you play.
May you speak to yourself as you would a loved one. 
May you … (fill in the blank with what you need in the moment).

So there we have it, I think. Love for self. It’s essential, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s ok. Love yourself because you deserve it and you want to, and if you can’t do that, then love yourself because your person would want you to. Just do what you have to do, but forgive yourself if you can’t.