Monday, March 16, 2015

My Words That Need to Be Written

#writeingrief
Day 8- Write about “the obstinance of words.” 


I love that this prompt so stubbornly wrote itself. This is always how writing is for me. Sometimes I relent and let the words have their way. Sometimes I think I can win because I’m stubborn, too. I never win with words. Ever. Well, maybe I win when I listen to them. When I trust. The words know what needs to be written and know that I haven’t a clue. 

When I think I know just what I will write, I usually find out that I have lost all of the words. 

Most of the time I trust this process. I let myself bitch and whine and carry on about how I don’t wanna write or how I just can’t do it or how I don’t have the words anyway. The words aren’t enough. They never quite suffice when it comes to love and pain and beauty. 

They try with their curves and their edges and their hooks. 
They try with their rhythm. 

With absence and space. 

They try. 

But the words cannot pierce the truth. I can hold Truth in my hands, my bones. I can cover Truth with words, trying to reveal it so you really see and feel it. I can hand my Truth over to you so the words stamp your skin, but they will smudge away before reaching your bones.

What is the point of this then? What is the point of chasing these words when I know that they will never quite get there? What is the point of this when people question the words that I use or they presume? 

And when I hold my Truth in my hands, do I really know what I’m holding? The words help me find it. The words help me sort it out. They help me wade through the utter bullshit that I believe because I won’t trust myself to look too closely, so I just grab on to some idea that I heard. 

Why do I trust the words? Why do I trust that the words that write themselves are my Truth? I don’t know. It’s a feeling. It’s knowing that sometimes my fingers know things that the rest of me doesn’t know. Like passwords. I cannot say my passwords or type them, but my hands know them. Sometimes when I think too hard about my passwords, I type them in wrong. And again. And again. And then I have to face the goddamn security hoops to prove I’m a human. 

So, yes. I trust my words. I trust my process. I set my timer and write. I let myself whine and then find my way to the words that need to be written. Not the words that I want to write. The words that need to be written. The words that fester when I don’t find the time to sit down with them. 

These are the words that need to be written. These are the words that I will continue to write even when people question whether I should write them. These are the words that are in front of me, always. These are the words that I will follow even when they are contradictory.

You are welcome to hold them, but just know that if you question these words that need to be written, I will write them anyway. Stand in front of me. Right there. Stay still. My words will write circles around you. I will write until the ground breaks and you fall through and just go away. These are my words that need to be written. My obstinate words.