Sunday, March 15, 2015

On Habits of After

Day 7-Writing into the habits of grief.

I don’t wanna. I don’t. want. to. go. here. 

“They aren’t habits we chose happily…” -Megan Devine

Nope. They are habits I would give back if it meant I could wake up from this nightmare. I know I won’t. I know my wishing will not unhappen the death that is what I have birthed. Is this wishing a habit? Is Should Be a habit? 

I am really struggling with this one. I keep thinking about the people who judge and what they might think. 

“But I want to hold on to the grieving/ as a way of holding on to you.” -Megan Hall

Me too. 

“It hardly seemed possible.” -Megan Hall

Yes. This is exactly it. It doesn't seem possible that this is my life. It doesn’t seem possible that I am sitting here without my daughter. She was growing along and then she died. And now I’m writing about habits brought on because that happened, but it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make a goddamn bit of sense. And I’ve started saying goddamn a lot lately. And it fucking feels good. I have always refrained from saying goddamn. Even After. But now, I’m fucking fired up about some shit, goddamn it. 

Swearing is a habit of After. And holding my breath. And not caring about habits from Before. 

What even is a habit? I feel like I’ve been writing about this for two days now and thinking about it for almost a week, and I don’t even know what a habit is anymore.

a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up
synonyms: custom, practice, routine, wont, pattern, tradition

“one that is hard to give up” Grief is a habit. I don’t want to give it up. I don’t want to let go of the only thing that is left of my daughter. my babies. 

Saying no is a new habit of mine. No, I can’t come to that. No, I won’t do that. No. And I won’t apologize anymore either. No...I’m not coming. I’m not sorry. And I’m not going to give you an excuse to make you feel better. Just no.