Saved. Fixed. I have written about this. About how I can't be fixed. About how I don't need to be fixed.
I know that's what those who love me would like to do. I would like to fix things for my people who hurt, too. I'm not sure there is ever a situation that I direly wanted to fix that I could actually fix.
What I could do is witness. And that is what I need. That is all that I need from my people who want to fix me.
As for the bullshit some tout about needing to be broken in order to be better, I don't know if I can touch that today. I see grief memes about redemption and whatnot almost every day if I actually scroll through my feed. I just can't buy it, and I can't stand that some people do buy that. It doesn't feel honest to me. It's trying to label something that cannot be labeled. Trying to explain it away with a pretty story. You can't take a dead person and put a bow on top of their ashes and make it anything than what it is.
I hope with every ounce of my being that my story ends with an alive baby sibling for my sons. If that happens, will I feel redeemed? Will I feel like I earned it or maybe like my dead daughter. dead babies. were meant to die? No. Fuck no.
I will forever ache for the babies I have lost.
And if my story ends with more loss? Will I have earned that somehow? Am I meant to continue to give birth to death? Over and over and over.
I wish life worked out so that magical thinking actually got results. No, I don't even know if I wish that because that is not how it works.
I wish my daughter had lived. That's really it. No redemption story will ever make me want anything else. I can want my daughter to have lived while also fiercely loving a new baby who lives. I can want both of those things just as I can be broken and joyful and furious.