Friday, March 20, 2015

Take It Back

#writeingriefDay 10

I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t know how to write into the present absence. I don’t know how to talk about how the loss carves its way into everything. 

I don’t know how to do that right now. I don’t wanna. But I do. I need to. I need to write it even if I don’t know how. 

The first part of this prompt that really struck me was the part about how early grief can be two months or two years. And when I first read it, I thought that two years seemed like so long to be in early grief. But then I realized that it’s been over 14 months since Alaska died. Fourteen fucking months?! What? Is this real? Have I been the mom of a dead daughter for more than fourteen months? 

No. no no no no no. This can’t be. This can’t be real. No. 

I don’t want this. This isn’t mine. Take it back. Why won’t anyone take it back? I’ve been asking, demanding for more than 14 months now. Give her back. 

It was so easy, you see. She was growing, thriving with that little beating heart. You can’t take that from me. You can’t just have that be my world in one moment and then just take it away. I didn’t tell you that you could do that. Goddamn it. 

Supposedly this gets easier over time. I don’t buy that. I don’t want it to get easier. How can living without my daughter. my babies. ever get easier? 

And when I write that, I wonder at how pathetic it might sound. And from the outside looking in, maybe it looks like I’m just fine, like I have moved on. It seems important to note that I am living my life and looking mostly just fine while always carrying this awful truth that is doing life without my babies. It’s not quite correct to say that I’m doing life without my babies when I have living sons and when all of my children are still with me. I guess I meant that I’m doing life without having all of my children here with me with hearts beating. 

“you lose them everywhere” Yep. And for always. Even looking back at Before, I still know. I look back and want to slow the time. If I can’t stop Alaska’s heart from beating, maybe I could just stretch time a bit? Nope.