The Break Is Over

I had to take a break from blogging. I've been writing still (not as much), but we're in the thick of counting down the last days of school. It's a crazy and stressful time, so I've had to cut out other things in order to manage the chaos. I have several pictures that are waiting to be posted, though, and I felt the urge to write a bit tonight.

At first when I stopped blogging it felt like a much needed break. I decided that I would take a week. Once I passed the week mark, I had anxiety about blogging again. This anxiety on top of the other stress was overwhelming, so I just froze even though I knew that not writing was also adding to my stress--a crazy cycle that can only be broken by jumping right back in.

first flowers

Skipping Toward Muchness

Today is day 30 of my Muchness Challenge, and it did not start out very muchnessy. Last night I realized that I was letting stress over trivial matters take over. I wasn't breathing, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I have worked hard since Alaska died to get my breathing back, and yesterday stress swiped all of that progress from me.

This morning I decided to fight back with my muchness songs "Brave" and "Happy." I was trying to convince myself to be both. Before school started I tried skipping laps around my classroom--an old but effective trick. Try to skip down the street or a hallway without a smile on your face. People might think that you've lost it, but I can't think of a good reason to care about that. Skipping erases the negativity from your face and heart. Skipping is the exercise version of Tova's sparkle theory. When I have challenged Asher to skip without smiling, he has failed every time. It's hilarious to watch him try; for the record, pursed lips trying to hold in a grin do not count as not smiling. Elliott, my serious one, even acknowledges the positive power of skipping.

I move forward from this challenge knowing that finding my muchness is a journey that will be easy some days and impossible on other days. I have tools to create muchness moments on the difficult days. If you could use a little help finding your muchness, try the 30 Days of Muchness Challenge.

A Poem from Alaska's Uncle

Muchness Challenge Day 28

Solar Powered Sunday

Dear Alaska, Your brothers started planning your birthday party.

Dear Alaska,      ‽

Hey, baby girl! Today was a nice day. Your brothers started planning your birthday party for New Year's Eve. They're very excited. Asher says, "I can't wait to celebrate with joy in my heart! I just wish Alaska was here right now to snuggle."

Elliott told me that you were his answer to the question, "Which family member are you closest to?" He also wrote about how Alaska is his favorite state because of you.

Your brothers are so proud of you, Alaska Eileen. We all are. <3

Now I have to tell you about Daddy today. He bought a carpet cleaner and completely geeked out over it. He's so cute when he tornadoes through the house on a cleaning spree! He's the best. I did have to tease him a bit because, really, who gets excited about cleaning carpets‽  <<< Hey look! An interrobang!

I miss you every second.

I love you forever.

Love, Mommy    <3     ‽

I Promise

It's coming--the blue sky, the warmth, the energy of the season.

Can you feel it? Pressing out from the earth. New life shaking off winter. Inching up through dirty snow and old leaves.

Thawing only to freeze again (not for long). Be patient. Breathe. This dance is worth it.

In This Moment

I have written and deleted a lot tonight, so I am going to leave just a few thoughts about what has worked for me today.

The letter Q: Asher's drawing of a quilt for Alaska.

Because I woke up sore from my tense day yesterday, I found a yin yoga video that focused on slow stretches and deep breaths.

Right now I am sitting in a dark room with some music that I used to listen to in junior high (TLC's CrazySexyCool). I think of a couple of old friends when I listen to these songs, and I think of who I was and how much I have gained from every experience over the years. And in this moment, I am thankful. I am blessed.