Monday, June 9, 2014

Happy Birthday Baby Auburn

Happy birthday baby Auburn!

Well, I wish that this was a different sort of announcement about our tiny baby Auburn, but it's not. Alaska is a big sister, and her baby sibling is with her. Auburn was very young and only survived the first few weeks of my pregnancy. We don't know if he was a boy or girl, but some of us felt that he was a boy. We named Auburn not long after we found out that I was pregnant. We had chosen first names for either a boy or a girl, and Auburn as the middle name for either. So we got our June baby on New Years Eve and our New Years baby in June. This is not how it was supposed to go. Alaska should still be growing and just days away from her birth. That's not how it went, though. Auburn should be growing with the joy and fear that comes along with a rainbow baby. I knew that this might happen. I've known with all of my pregnancies that people lose babies every day, and with Auburn the possibility of another loss was very real. Even with this knowledge, we celebrated Auburn's life with love and joy. We were supposed to get our happy ending around Alaska's birthday. Now we have two angels to celebrate.

In some ways I can't believe we're here again, but another part of me shrugs and says of course we're here again. Why wouldn't we be? Why would Auburn get to live when Alaska didn't? Why would I even think that we could bring home a sweaty, crying baby? What seemed so easy 6 months ago has become almost impossible to imagine. I have always felt blessed to the point of excess. I still am.

We have a beautiful family. A year ago I thought we were done having children, and I was happy with that knowledge. I love my family. I still wish I could bring my babies back.