Tense

I can't breathe today. Through yoga and a grief meditation, I forced myself to get about 30 minutes of good breathing in and tried to unclench my jaw. My heart is being squeezed by a strong, steady grip but pumps on in anticipation. Do we have a daughter or a son? When will we get the ashes? Why did this happen? I delude myself by believing that I will feel better once we have these answers. Ultimately, we have a dead baby, and no number of answered questions will make this ok.