My muscles ache today. I have worked my way back to doing headstands with the yoga practice that I started after Alaska died. Headstands used to be a craving for me. When I was particularly stressed or happy, I would NEED to go up into a headstand. Headstands require a focus that helps me reel myself in. Somewhere in the last few years, I lost my craving, lost my ability to hold my body in this inversion, and gained a fear of falling.
So I stopped trying.
Today I convinced my core to balance my body as I pointed my toes toward the sky. Today I was afraid to fall, but I did it anyway. Losing Alaska has taken away some of my fears. If I can live through losing my daughter, if I can love her through this life, I can certainly put my head down on the ground, lift my toes up, and just try. If I fall, I can try again.