Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Dear Alaska, I can breathe again.

In the days that followed Alaska's birth, I started writing letters to her in a journal. In my "Dear Angel Baby" letters, I told her about how our day went as a family--the funny moments along with the difficult ones. I asked her questions and told her about our family and friends in heaven. I asked her to kiss my Grandpa Shelby who I have always felt a connection to even though he died before I was born. I told her about our family and friends who love her and miss her. I told her about my dream where she was hiding from me while I called to her, "Alaska...Alaska...Alaska..." I taught her what an interrobang is and promised her to work my way back to interrobanging and being my best.

Yesterday after we found out that we had a baby girl, I finally got to write a "Dear Alaska" letter. I even sent my girl a couple of interrobangs; they weren't silly interrobangs, but bursts of love, excitement, anger, pain, and peace. So far, this is the worst and best that I have felt in 24 days.

Dear Alaska,     ?! 

Alaska! My baby girl. I knew you were a girl. My heart is full and broken. Daddy teased me because my eyes are red, watery, & swollen. I've been crying since the doctor called me. I hope you knew your name already. I think you did. I had to tell the world your name. I want everyone to hear it. I want to say it. You're my angel girl. My blessing. My heart. This is an explosion of love & pain & peace like I have never felt. My roller coaster just got serious, baby girl. I'm also mad. I wanted to hold you. To kiss you. I even wanted to scold you for being naughty. I know you would have been naughty. :) <3 Alaska Eileen! Your name is so beautiful! Someone must write you a song (Asher's working on it). I didn't get to kiss you, but I feel you with me. I can breathe again.

Love, Mommy     ?!
my bracelet Elliott made for me in memory of his sister and my Alaska journal