Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Just Hold On

"Embrace everything that grief gives you. [...] We embrace all of those emotions to connect to the flow of life." ~Warburton
This roller coaster of grief is inescapable, but I understand that I have to stick with it even though I'm tempted to bail off. Each day this week, I have watched a speech about grief or loss. Today I chose Dr. Geoff Warburton's TEDxBrighton talk called "The Adventure of Grief." This talk helped me appreciate even more that I need to endure all of this no matter how much it hurts: "You need to feel that emotional abyss. You need to let that abyss swallow you."

Last night I had my first dream about our baby. In my dream, we found out that we she was a girl, and I just kept saying her name over and over. I think that I knew she was dead, but in typical dreamworld fashion, she was also alive. It was almost like she was hiding from me in plain sight as little ones often do, so I was seeking her, playing her game by calling to her.

My first emotions upon remembering this dream were peaceful. But since I am on a roller coaster right now, I also went to all of the what ifs and whys: What if we didn't have a daughter but a son? Why can't I be almost 18 weeks pregnant right now? What if we do find out that we had a daughter? Why can't this nightmare go away?

These painful emotions were brief. When I thought about this dream throughout the day, it was a warm memory of a beautiful moment with my maybe daughter. Today was a better day. Today I didn't feel quite like crawling in a hole each time someone asked me how I was. I realize, though, that tomorrow this roller coaster might have me speeding down into the darkness. The only thing I know for sure is to just hold on.

“Maybe a part of you needs to die. Close off your experience of the abyss and you close off the flow of life. Here’s the thing. Block that anger and you block your vitality. Block that fear and you block your excitement. Block that deep emotional pain, and you’ll block your access to compassion. Even block your hatred and you’ll block your access to peace. Block your experience of that abyss, and you will block access to the depths of who you really are and the energy that is going to take you forward. Right in the center of that abyss, in that silence, you’ll find your liberation.” ~Warburton