Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Reminders

You know how after you cry, you still take deep sobbing breaths sometimes hours later? It's as if the pain of whatever makes you cry is too big to come out all at once, so it saves a piece to check with you later: You were hurting, remember? Are you done yet? Did you feel the relief when I escaped your body just then or are you ready to give the tears another go?

I've noticed that I breathe this way now even on days when I haven't really cried yet. These subtle, sobbing breaths will escape my body throughout the day and remind me: Alaska's still dead, remember? You're not done yet. I just had to let out some of the pressure so your heart doesn't shoot out of your chest (that would be too messy). Don't hold those tears back too long.

And then sometimes I slip up and look in the mirror at another reminder. I've never enjoyed looking in the mirror, but now I can't stand it. That person who looks back at me is a stranger. She looks so old. I don't know that girl. Those eyes.